Tag Archives: truth

Virtual Reality

Significant experiences live inside us. Moments evoked by a song, a smell, or a situation often initially prompt a smile, but even the most precious pieces of the past feel bittersweet being reincarnated. The decades cast a shadow.

Photo Credit: Martino Pietropoli (courtesy of Unsplash)

Yesterday, one of those moments swept in like a summer downpour. The memory bloomed as time rewound thirty years to a flood of young love, and the joy it brings. 

I’m not currently in a relationship. All the feelings were deeply rooted in lost love, and when the rush dissolved, I felt a dull ache lingering like a hangover. 

Did I make the right choices? Could I have changed the outcome? Pushing the questions aside, I grasped for the memory again desperate to be there just a little longer, but I couldn’t hold on. 

Between the flood of tears and choking breaths, I whispered to myself, “everything happens for a reason.” For I would not be here without lessons and opportunities born of past losses.

Somedays the lure of years gone by is tempting, but I don’t want to get stuck there. It’s a virtual reality, created in my mind. I have power over it, and when I turn it off, I return to my present to create a new adventure.

I Hate to Admit It…

I hate to admit it…but I’m a little (okay, a lot) obsessed with Candace Owens.

Why would this woman labor so vigilantly against her own interests by supporting right wing conservatives who demonstratively repress and demean both women and African Americans?

After diving into her background, I was surprised to discover she set out in the world as a mouthpiece for Progressives, but her change of heart was not a case of “if you can’t beat them, join them.”

It was when her website, SocialAutopsy.com (designed to expose internet bullies, now defunct), faced harsh criticism from all sides that she immediately dedicated herself to attacking the left.

I suspect that after the America she believed in betrayed her, she blindly pivoted to attack mode.

Some focus on her lies.

Others mock her ignorance.

But no commentary I’ve ever seen chooses to point out that Candance’s words and actions are not motivated by politics. 

Candace is, essentially, the living embodiment of a Marvel villain. The personal hurt she experienced devolved into a vendetta turning her life into a cautionary tale for how anger and fear motivate people to do the wrong thing.

The ultimate irony is, she is only hurting herself. Cue the dramatic music.

Hate changes you, and the longer you hold onto it, the harder it is to let go.

And the deeper truth is that if the poison flowing through her veins were to be tested, it would reveal the true source of her pain. Candance’s hate is self-hate. And it has dug in deep.  

If she had not been bullied as a child and instead experienced love and understanding, would she be on a different path? Probably. But being able to overcome obstacles with grace is the ultimate test of humanity, and she will continue to fail that test until she finds the strength to bloodlet her own misery.

Body Language Bias at the Ford Kavanaugh Hearing

For many, the Ford/Kavanaugh hearing on September 27 cemented already formed opinions, but it did not resolve the issue at hand. As a body language specialist, I followed the hearing with great interest; though not to witness the predicatable he said/she said statments. I watched to take note of the non-verbal indicators that filled in a rich subtext during yesterday’s hearing.

Body language is the primary form of non-verbal communication (the process by which meaning is conveyed without words) and an enormous amount of physical behavior was on display during the Ford/Kavanaugh hearing. For this post, I’ve chosen to focus on Brett Kavanaugh’s opening statement only. Most non-verbal spectators would skip his prepared remarks in exchange for more “genuine” body language indicators divulged from unrehearsed responses, but I found his prepared remarks to be suffused with signals revealing a hidden truth he practiced to obscure.

Brett Kavanaugh had been well trained to speak in public. Considering a simple summary of body language best practices including eye contact, visible hands, deliberate posture, and calculated tone of voice, he incorporated each of these studiously. He knew to keep his hands visible to appear more trustworthy. He knew to keep his head and body leaned forward to show he was fully engaged in delivering his message to the committee. He knew that his words must match his body language in order to appear authentic. He spoke loudly. He knit his eyebrows together to convey an angry facial expression. He emphasized his indignation with punctuated pounding on the desk. And thanks to his practiced effort, Kavanaugh’s message did come across clearly; he showed everyone in that room and everyone watching on television how exasperated he was with those who do not support his nomination to the Supreme Court.

The great thing about body language is that even if you are well trained, like Brett Kavanaugh, you cannot completely control your non-verbal messages. Your real emotions will always reveal themselves. After Kavanaugh finished speaking yesterday, I went online, found a recording of his full opening statement and watched again with the sound off to avoid being distracted by his words. I focused on his face, and he did not disappoint. Brett Kavanaugh’s predominant and deliberate anger was sprinkled with flashes of fear, sadness, disgust, and contempt.

The subtle change in his facial expressions could have been easily missed by an untrained eye, and in fact most of what he exhibited was not at all surprising. He would surely be feeling fear at the possibility of losing of his Supreme Court appointment. He was undeniably sad that his family was subjected to such terrible stories, and he never tried to hide his disgust with the Democrats who he blamed for dragging all this up. Contempt, however, is the one to watch. So, when Brett Kavanaugh flashed contempt, I turned the volume back on.

Two of the phrases Brett Kavanaugh spoke immediately prior to showing contempt:

“I’m innocent”

“I’m here today to tell the truth”

Contempt is a defined by Merriam-Webster as “the act of despising, willful disobedience, and open disrespect for a court, judge, or legislative body.”

I do not consider myself an expert in lie detection, and I am aware that any lie detection specialist relies on a cluster of red flags before suggesting a subject is being untruthful, but an inability to hide his contempt did not do Mr. Kavanaugh any favors.

Though contempt alone is not considered hard evidence, I will offer another bit of science about lie detection. When someone lies, the tissue in the nose becomes inflamed. As a result, the liar tends to touch/rub the nose. Kavanaugh, being carefully trained, would have known to actively avoid reaching his hands to his face for any reason. Yet anyone watching him speak surely noticed that Brett Kavanaugh suffered from a terrible case of the sniffles. He sniffed and sniffed and sniffed his way through the prepared statement.  Did you find it odd for someone with such persistent sniffles to never reach for a tissue?

There were enough non-verbal observations from the hearing to fill a book (when he leaned away from the questioner, when he shrunk down in his chair, when he reached across his body and squeezed the opposite arm) but the final body language indicator that stood out from the rest was one unfamiliar to me, though it was hard for anyone to miss Kavanaugh repeatedly thrusting his tongue into his cheek during the second half of his prepared remarks. The conspicuous act of pushing at your cheek with your tongue is not a definitive gesture. It could be an act of self-soothing, an indicator of uncertainty, or simply show the person is being pensive. It would take greater familiarity with Brett Kavanaugh as an individual to understand what this particular body language cue indicates about him. I plan to watch for it again in the future.

Overall, despite his large degree of preparation to come across strong and defiant, Brett Kavanaugh came up short. Subconscious and involuntary body language cannot be controlled or faked for an extended period of time, and his body language during the hearing uncovered red flags that muddied the innocence he professed. Though his body language did not uncover any certainty, it did raise plenty of additional questions. The only complete truth that came out of the hearing was that Brett Kavanaugh and most of his Republican supporters will not back down, and that might mean America ends up with Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court.

Authors Note: When I set out to write this piece, my intention was to share observations from my background in body language science. The expected result was impartial data. However, by the time the particulars had been included, my bias was obvious. After careful consideration, I decided not to extricate my opinion from my observation. Instead, I encourage other trained observers of the body language to provide alternative interpretations. Thank you in advance for your expertise.

What Do We Do Now?

It kind of feels like Dumbledore died all over again, and Voldemort has risen.

Sadness, fear, and uncertainty are pervasive, and one question lingers, “what do we do now?” The answer is we do exactly what Harry, Ron, and Hermione did-we hunt horocruxes.

The Republican version of a horocrux isn’t quite as hard to find as those in the JK Rowling series. The life blood of a red states is hatred, division, and lies (mostly lies told to kind, trusting Americans to convince them to support Voldemort). We destroy these with truth, love, and acceptance. Defeat the bad with good.

The trickier part of the hunt comes when faced with actual threats of racial bias, intimidation against those of different sexual orientations, misogyny, religious persecution, and a populace educated with an overkill of mis-information.

“If you see something, say something” takes on an additional meaning going forward. It requires each of us stand up for marginalized citizens being persecuted. Not getting involved is the equivalent of condoning bad behavior.

Remember that the final horocrux presents the biggest challenge. To eradicate bias in another person requires each of us to acknowledge our own bias. None of us is perfect. Everyone has a valid perspective. We can learn a lot from others, especially when their words are not the ones we want to hear.

Take a walk in the other person’s shoes. Send your love before you. Be respectful of all.

Mother’s Day Perspective

It’s Mother’s Day, but Hallmark doesn’t make a card for the children who don’t have June Cleaver for a mother. I am one of them.

I remember growing up both confused and awed by the close relationship some of my friends held with their moms. At the time, I couldn’t appreciate how my mom endured sickness, injury, tantrums, and the selfish, ungrateful energy from her four children. She packed picnics, wiped snot, threw parties, swabbed skinned knees, offered encouragement, and restricted empty calories often without a thank you from anyone. I took without giving back. I pushed, tested, and undermined, as my mom struggled.

It’s never too late to say thank you. My mother was far from perfect, but she gave me a gift of immeasurable value. She shared with me a blueprint of life’s pitfalls:

Do not let alcohol take over your life.

Do not use others as an excuse.

Do not say one thing and do another.

Do not double down and dig in when you know you are in the wrong.

Do not focus on the negative.

I spent my early years being afraid of my alcoholic mother while simultaneously mirroring her. Like a crystal ball, her mistakes showed me my future life.  Eventually, I paid attention and quit drinking. I learned to take responsibility, tell the truth, and apologize sincerely. Most importantly, I learned to be grateful. I learned to focus on the good, and find the silver lining during hard times.

Now I practice how to embrace love rather than be swallowed by fear.

As an adult, I witness children challenging their parents, and I understand how my mother’s insecurities plagued her, how her children and husband undermined her, and how her negative mindset fed the depression that pushed her further into darkness, away from the perfect person she so longed to be.

My mother died seven years ago, and I am grateful that in death she found peace.

You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy

I grew up singing Billy Joel songs.

Just the other day, listening to “New York State of Mind” on the radio, I was struck by the line:

I don’t care if it’s Chinatown, or on Riverside

I always sang the line as “Rock Riverside” figuring it was the name of a place in New York, but after nearly 40 years, it occurred to me for the very first time (despite driving to NYC and passing Riverside many times) that the place name was NOT “Rock Riverside”

If Billy Joel was singing “rock Riverside” it would mean that “rock” was not being used as a noun, but a verb (after looking up the lyrics, I see I completely missed the preposition). Forty years of syntax error!

There are things we all think we know. We are so certain of the veracity that we never question the belief, but sometimes we are wrong. I’m not attempting to spread doubt and fear here. I’m simply suggesting:

Be Open to the Possibilities

Don’t hold too firmly to truths you’ve always known. People used to believe the world was flat and that bloodletting cured disease. Discovering you are wrong can be a positive way to grow your understanding, or as Billy Joel sang:

“Maybe I’m a lonely man who’s in the middle of something that he doesn’t really understand.”